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5 Reasons Foster Parents Need to Attach to their Foster Child

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You bring a child or sibling group into your home for who knows how long. You don’t know very much about them. You work at creating as much calm as you can in the midst of a new normal for everyone. Parent visits, school work, possibly counselor visits, and behavioral challenges make the transition challenging.

 

You focus on providing as much as care and support as you can for your new foster child. Yet at the same time you guard your heart. If you have had much training, you know that your new foster child will come with some attachment struggles. But you logically reason that you need to tread carefully since your foster child will probably live with you for only a few months.

Some foster parents allow themselves to attach to a child knowing that it will hurt when the child leaves. But many caregivers keep a wall between the child and their heart. They feel that it doesn’t help anyone for the attachment to grow because it really will hurt when the child goes back home or to another family.

When CPS placed our foster son with us, they told me that he would be with us for only a few weeks at most. So I didn’t try to attach to him. I focused on his physical needs especially since he was only eight-months-old. I made sure, along with Danielle, that his diapers stayed dry, that he ate on a regular schedule, and that he slept as much as possible.

Finally one day I knew in my spirit that I had to let myself attach to him. I needed that as much as he needed it. Since those days I learned more about my own attachment style which growing up was what is called Avoidant. Over the years I have a more Secure attachment style, which is called an Earned Secure attachment style. But, in the context of having a foster son who I “knew” was there for only a few weeks or months at the most, I reverted easily to my Avoidant attachment style.

That was not what my son needed. He needed for me to do everything I could to securely attach to him. I needed to love him as if he were my own son. Even though it took me some weeks to go there, I finally did.

Now he is my adopted son, but I had no idea he would be one day when I made that decision to let my heart attach to him.

If you are a foster parent or one who is considering fostering, I hope you will allow yourself to securely attach to your foster child.

5 Reasons Foster Parents Need to Attach to their Foster Child

  1. A child who experiences trauma most likely has an insecure attachment, probably even a disorganized attachment style.
  2. A child needs someone to model healthy attachment.
  3. When a foster parent guards their heart, they model an insecure attachment style.
  4. If a foster parent and foster child develop a healthy attachment, the child will experience deeper healing, learn to trust a caregiver, and set them up for future relational success.
  5. When the time comes for the foster child to return home or move to another family, the healthy attachment with the foster parents will be a positive memory they can replay over and over.

Want to learn more about attachment styles? Read What Is Your Attachment Dance?

Listen to a great podcast interview I did with my friend Marshall Lyles about the attachment style we as parents bring to the relationship. Click HERE.  (This podcast episode is also found in my book—Foster and Adoptive Parenting: Authentic Stories that Will Inspire and Encourage Parenting with Connection

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About the Author

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I am a longtime Austinite. Married my beautiful wife over 35 years ago. Adopted our son September 2012.
As a small business and nonprofit coach/consultant, I have found my sweet spot. I lean on my varied background of corporate, small business ownership, writing, and pastoring as I work to help small business owners and nonprofit founders build the business they want to have.


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