I am an adoptive dad of a son that came to us through foster care. CPS placed him in our home when he was eight-months-old. We adopted our son when he was almost two-years-old. He is now eight-years-old and full of opinions, creativity, attitude, and intelligence.
Sometimes I look at him overjoyed that he is my son often forgetting that he isn’t my own flesh and blood. Other times I stare at him and wonder where in the world he came from realizing that I might never understand him.
I know that is true for any parent of any child even if that child has your DNA. Simply put…parenting is crazy hard!
Time for Men to Step Up
But why does parenting especially seem so hard for men? Fathers get a reamed on a lot in our society. Not always fair, but oftentimes it is deserved.
Many men tend to shun their responsibilities by not committing to a relationship. For those who do “commit” to the relationship are often not present even if they are in the home. For generations men have relinquished the responsibilities of raising their children to the women in their lives. The common mindset is as long as they provided for the financial needs of their family their duty was done. “Give me a beer and the TV remote and tell me when dinner is ready. Thank you very much and stay out of my way!”
Surely foster and adoptive dads are different. For the most part I believe we are. Besides we did agree to bring a child who was not our own into our family didn’t we? Or did we?
In my interactions with foster and adoptive dads, about 3 out of 4 had to be convinced by their spouse to agree to fostering and/or adopting. In other words, it usually is the wife who wants to foster or adopt in the first place. Their husbands either resist or finally give in to the idea.
Not the best way to begin the relationship with a child.
I totally understand having reservations about fostering or adopting, even feeling overwhelmed. I also understand that you think you know how to be a good dad only to find out you have no idea what to do once a traumatized child turns you and your family upside down.
So what do you do? Give up? Walk away? Hang on for survival? Of course not. We have to press in and embrace our children, but how exactly do we do that when they fight us and push us away?
I am not saying that it is easy, and I will never blame a single person for not feeling like moving in closer to a difficult child especially if that child has created havoc in your life and your family. That is why I believe that this is so important.
Covenant relationship
Huh? Yeah, we don’t really understand that term in our western society. Especially our modern culture of “if feels good do it”, and “if it doesn’t feel or good, or absolutely if it hurts, stop doing it!”
If we as dads, or moms, for that matter, are going to be able to embrace our kids that come to us from abuse, neglect, abandonment, and so on, we have to understand what it means to have made a covenant with them to be their parent.
I know some in the adoption community don’t agree with me on this, but I feel strongly about it. When I stood, along with my wife and several witnesses, before a judge, I swore an oath to be my son’s father.
I haven’t always grasped the depth of the meaning of covenant relationship, and my marriage and friendships have suffered throughout the years because of that shortcoming. But my lack of maturity and integrity doesn’t let me off the hook nor reduce the importance of covenant relationship.
What is covenant relationship?
Here is what I mean by covenant relationship—a permanent commitment made between two parties, often involving one who intervenes in the life of another who needs redemption or rescue. Words define the covenant. Signs represent the permanent nature of the covenant. Terms are agreed upon before some kind of law enforcing body that includes benefits of adherence and consequences of breaking of the covenant.
Definitely more than just a “we will see how this goes” approach. When we as fathers take adoption serious like this, our commitment gives us the resolve we need to embrace our child even when the going gets tough.
In a follow up blog post, I will dive in deeper into what a covenant relationship made with a child who is obviously the weaker participant in the relationship looks like and why it is so important to the success of that child.
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